Need for inspiration.

Random thoughts.

I think I have figured out why the number of times I've blogged is constantly decreasing in gradient year by year.

That shows that I'm less eager or interested in my life as every year pass. It's a sad thing. It goes to show that things are getting seriously mundane in my life right now.

In the past years, I used to blog about anything and everything, no matter how random or stupid it gets. However, I don't even bother to think about anything that has happened in the day because it's always the same old thing - school school school studies studies studies.

But adversely in the past years, I didn't put studies into focus and end up getting bad grades. Gahhh, can't have the best of both worlds.

The strange thing is that I've seemed to accept how my life is leading now, like I'm used to it. I really could go on with my life right now, where most of my problems comes from studying and various commitments in my life such as floorball church and other occasional stuff like jobs, camps or even meeting up with friends I don't get to see that often for a simple thing like having a meal, or movie or bowling together. Anything.

But the problem is, because of these fixed, rigid nature of these stuff, I tend to let things come at my way. Like, to go with the flow. And then I can get on happily while at the same time dealing with studies and time constraints.

But it's at times like now, that I realised.
What do I really want? Am I really steering my life the right way?

The things I'm doing now, are really boring. That's what I would say a few years ago. But right now, I can really accept it. But right now, deep down, I know I want something more. What do I want? I really don't know. But it's just that I want something. I want something that can make me feel motivated.

Motivation for a passion, and motivation for good grades are two different feelings. Both are good in their own ways. But it seems that I'm out of balance.

Maybe... it's just that I don't want to grow up too quick. The fact that I'm able to accept something so boring and mundane as normal shows that I'm growing up. The sound of it scares the other side of me, the other fun side of me.

At this age, I just want to do what I'm supposed to do. I don't know if my mind got influenced from all those teenage shows or whatnot but it seems like they've experienced so much more.

I really want all that. But of course, some things are deemed bad... and I have my personal restrictions. I should be thankful.... but sometimes restrictions, restricts me.
Or maybe that's the nature of Singapore. It's too small, which makes it boring.

And also, I believe, not having someone to yearn for, makes my life more boring.
I don't know, but that's just the way it is.
And sometimes, I don't know why I'm wishing or waiting for something that would never happen. I'm not doing anything.

Then again, it's the same old thing.

I don't think I have done enough to get what I want. Really.
I want something to look forward to. Something special...... I don't know. No skills.... no interests... Nothing.

I NEED PASSION.